Red flags in teen relationships aren’t always easy to spot — but learning to recognize them early can change everything.

When I was a teenager, no one talked to me about emotional abuse. But honestly? No one talked to me about any kind of abuse. Not emotional. Not physical. Not sexual. I wasn’t even told what a healthy relationship should look or feel like.

Dating wasn’t something we discussed. It was something you figured out on your own, which meant learning the hard way, often quietly, and usually too late.

So, when things in my own relationship felt off, I didn’t have words for it. I didn’t know how to ask for help. And I definitely didn’t realize what was happening wasn’t normal.

I thought love meant putting up with things that hurt. I thought if he didn’t hit me, it wasn’t abuse. I thought saying sorry meant he cared. I thought being confused was just part of growing up.

Now I know better. And I want you to know better, too.

Because abuse never starts with bruises. It starts with control. With manipulation. With gaslighting. It starts with “I didn’t mean to” and “you’re just too sensitive.” With pressure disguised as love, and silence disguised as safety.

These red flags in teen relationships? They aren’t just for teens, they’re for everyone. But what better place to start than with teens, before the patterns take hold, before you start to shrink yourself to stay loved, before the damage has years to build.

Let’s talk about it. For real this time. Because recognizing red flags in teen relationships is how we start breaking these patterns early, before they become something bigger.

10 Red Flags in Teen Relationships You Might Be Missing

1. “You’re overreacting.”

If they say this every time you’re upset, uncomfortable, or hurt, it’s not about helping you calm down — it’s about making you doubt your own feelings.

It starts small. You get upset about something they said, and they roll their eyes. “You’re being dramatic.”
You try to explain why you’re uncomfortable, and they cut you off. “You’re overthinking it.”

Over time, you start to wonder:
Am I really too sensitive? Should I just let this go? Is it my fault for taking it the wrong way?

This is how gaslighting begins, not with screaming or lies, but with subtle, constant dismissal of what you feel.

Your emotions are not “too much.” You’re not being dramatic. If something hurts, confuses you, or makes you feel smaller, you’re allowed to name it. And you deserve someone who listens when you do.

2. They don’t want you hanging out with certain friends anymore.

At first, it might sound like concern: “They’re a bad influence.” Or maybe it’s disguised as jealousy: “They just don’t want us to be happy.”

But then the comments keep coming.
“They don’t really like you.”
“You’re different when you’re around them.”
“They’re just trying to ruin what we have.”

And it works. You start pulling away. Cancelling plans. Keeping things quiet. You stop talking about your friends because it’s easier than the argument. Maybe you even start to believe they’re the problem.

I’ve watched this happen. One of my daughters gave up everything,  her sport, her school, her lifelong friends, because of a guy who told her “they’re against us” and “you don’t need anyone but me.”

He didn’t have to say “you’re not allowed.” He just had to create enough doubt, enough guilt, and enough pressure to make her choose. And that’s what isolation looks like.

It doesn’t always start with “you can’t see them.” It starts with “why would you want to?”

Healthy love gives you more connection, not less. It doesn’t make you choose between your relationship and your people. It doesn’t make you feel guilty for having a life outside them.

If someone constantly makes you question the people who love you, it’s worth asking why.

3. They get mad when you don’t text back fast enough.

It might start with something small, a passive-aggressive comment like “Wow, took you long enough.” Or a guilt trip: “You had your phone. You just didn’t want to talk to me.”

But then it escalates.

You don’t respond quickly, and they text again. And again. Then they switch to email. Then your phone starts ringing, over and over, until you finally pick up. And when you do? You’re met with questions. Accusations. Demands to explain what you were doing, who you were with, and why you didn’t respond immediately.

That isn’t love, that’s control dressed up as “I just miss you.” It’s not about missing you. It’s about monitoring you.

I lived this. If I didn’t reply fast enough, whether it was a text or an email, the calls would come. Sometimes, back-to-back. And when I finally answered, the first thing out of his mouth was “What took you so long?” followed by a dozen more questions I didn’t owe him answers to.

You are allowed to take a break from your phone. You are allowed to be in class, in the shower, at practice, or just unavailable.

You do not owe anyone 24/7 access to your time, attention, or energy, even if they say it’s because they care.

4. They blow up over small things, then blame you.

One second, you’re laughing, and the next, they’re furious. And you have no idea what just happened.

It could be a look they didn’t like. A tone they took the wrong way. Forgetting to call. Saying no. Wearing something they didn’t approve of. Suddenly, they’re angry — and you’re scrambling to figure out what you did wrong.

So, you apologize even if you’re not sure why.
You say things like: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll be more careful.”

And deep down, you start changing, a little at a time, just to keep the peace. You walk on eggshells. You monitor your tone. You overthink your replies. You go quiet when something feels off.

This is how emotional abuse works, not always through yelling, but through unpredictability. It makes you feel like you’re always one wrong move away from an explosion.

I remember that feeling so clearly. The pressure to “fix it” before things got worse. The way I’d rehearse what I was going to say before I said it. The way I’d take the blame because it was easier than the backlash.

That’s not normal. That’s not your fault. And it’s not your job to keep someone calm by shrinking yourself.

A healthy relationship won’t leave you constantly guessing what kind of mood you’re walking into. You should never feel like your safety or peace depends on keeping someone else happy. And they definitely don’t leave you feeling like everything is your fault.

5. They say hurtful things and follow it with, “I was just joking.”

It sounds harmless, even funny at first.

They make a comment that stings, about your clothes, your voice, your dreams, something you said in class, and when you react, they laugh. “Relax. It’s just a joke.”

But you’re not laughing. You feel a twist in your stomach. You wonder if you’re too sensitive. You wonder if you’re the problem.

And if you speak up? They double down. “Wow, you can’t take a joke?” Now you’re defending yourself for feeling hurt.

I lived this constantly. My ex joked about everything, the way I talked, the things I cared about, even the way he treated the dog. He’d say something that clearly crossed a line, then look at me like I was the one being ridiculous. He even made comments about me behind my back and told other people, “You know what I mean. I’m just kidding.”

But here’s the truth: if it were really a joke, you’d both be laughing.

A real joke doesn’t humiliate you. It doesn’t linger in your mind all day. It doesn’t come with shame, confusion, or damage control.

If someone constantly hides behind humor to say hurtful things, then blames you for how you feel, that’s not funny. That’s manipulation.

You’re not too sensitive. You’re just noticing what they don’t want to take responsibility for.

6. They show up where you are, even when you didn’t tell them.

At first, it might feel sweet. Protective, even. They just show up at your practice. Or your friend’s house. Or outside your class at school. They say things like, “I just missed you” or “I wanted to surprise you.”

But it happens again. And again. And suddenly, it doesn’t feel random, it feels planned.

You didn’t tell them where you’d be, but they knew. Maybe they guessed. Maybe they checked a shared location. Maybe they asked someone else. But you start to feel watched, like your space isn’t just yours anymore.

And when you say something? They say, “I just wanted to make sure you’re safe.” Or “I always want to be near you, is that so bad?”

Here’s the truth: tracking someone is not the same as caring for someone.

I’ve seen this happen more than once, and not just in stories other people tell.

My daughter’s ex once commented on her being at a club with friends — days after he broke up with her. She hadn’t posted about it. No one tagged her. He just… knew. And that knowing wasn’t sweet. It was unsettling.

When I first left my ex, it was the same. Suddenly, he was showing up at stores he had never shopped at before. Parking next to me at church, even when I parked somewhere different on purpose. At first, I brushed it off. But deep down, I knew he was keeping tabs. And I knew it wasn’t about safety.

That’s not love. That’s surveillance. And no one should have to live like that.

That’s not love. That’s surveillance.

I know it’s complicated. These days, lots of friends and couples share their location — and for some people, that feels normal. But when someone starts using that to monitor, surprise, or guilt you? When they show up at places without you knowing, not once, but over and over? That’s not about safety. That’s about control.

You don’t owe anyone your location. You don’t have to explain why you want privacy. And it’s okay if something feels off even when it looks “normal” to everyone else.

If you start feeling like you’re being watched instead of loved, that’s not a good sign.

You deserve space. You deserve privacy. You deserve to feel safe on your own terms.

7. They pressure you into doing things you’re not ready for, making you feel guilty when you say no.

This isn’t just about sex, though that’s part of it. This is about anything that makes you uncomfortable, unsure, or hesitant, and how they respond when you try to say no.

Maybe it’s drinking. Smoking. Skipping class. Going somewhere you don’t feel safe. Or pushing a boundary you weren’t ready to cross. And maybe at first, it didn’t even feel like pressure — it felt like connection. Like you were letting your guard down with someone who cared.

But over time, the connection started to come with conditions.

They don’t scream or force you, they nudge. They tease. They guilt. They say, “Come on, it’s not a big deal.”
“You’d do it if you really cared about me.”
“Everyone else is doing it.”
“You’re no fun anymore.”

And when you say no? The mood shifts. They get quiet. Distant. Cold. You feel like you’ve disappointed them, and suddenly, you’re the one apologizing.

That’s not a healthy relationship. That’s pressure. And pressure is not the same thing as choice.

You never owe someone a yes, not to anything. Not to a party. Not to a drink. Not to a sleepover. Not to a kiss. Not to anything that makes your gut say, “This doesn’t feel right.”

If you’re constantly weighing your peace against their reaction, that’s not a connection. That’s control.

You should never have to choose between keeping your boundaries and keeping a person.

Real love doesn’t punish you for protecting yourself. And it never makes you feel guilty for saying no.

8. They say things like, “I do everything for you” to make you feel bad.

Support should feel safe, not like a debt you’ll never finish paying.

They say it when you want space. When you stand up for yourself. When you push back or try to talk about something that hurt.

“I do everything for you, and this is how you treat me?”
“After all I’ve done, this is what I get?”
“You wouldn’t even be here without me.”

It might not be yelled. It might not sound angry. It might even come out quietly, like disappointment. But the message is clear: you owe them.

This is how emotional manipulation works, through guilt. Through subtle reminders that every nice thing they’ve done comes with strings attached. You didn’t ask for those strings. But they pull them anyway.

I’ve lived this. The “help” wasn’t really help, it was a transaction. And the cost was always my voice, my boundaries, and my peace.

Love doesn’t keep score. Support isn’t supposed to feel like a bill you’re behind on.

If every act of kindness becomes a reason you’re not allowed to speak up, say no, or change your mind, that’s not love. That’s control wearing generosity as a disguise.

You don’t owe someone your silence just because they gave you something. You don’t have to stay in a relationship to prove you’re grateful. Real love doesn’t keep receipts.

9. You’re scared to bring things up because of how they’ll react.

You stop saying what’s on your mind, not because it doesn’t matter, but because you already know what’s coming if you do.

Maybe they roll their eyes. Get angry. Shut down. Say things like, “You’re so dramatic,” or “You’re overthinking again.”

So you keep it in. You tell yourself it’s not worth the fight. You start second-guessing your feelings, or worse, you start believing you’re the problem.

I know that feeling. I’ve been told again and again that my perception was wrong, that my feelings didn’t make sense, that I was “making something out of nothing.” And after a while, I stopped trusting myself. I learned to stay quiet to keep the peace.

But here’s the truth: if you’re afraid to talk to someone about how you feel, that’s not love. That’s control.

One thing I wish someone had told me earlier? Write it down. What do you want in a relationship? What makes you feel safe, respected, and valued? Not just the big stuff, but the small, everyday things too.

Then ask yourself honestly: can you talk about these things with the person you’re with? Or do you feel like you have to stay quiet or small just to keep them from walking away?

If sharing what you need makes you afraid they’ll yell, leave, guilt you, or twist it around — that’s not healthy. That’s not love.

Real love doesn’t make you shrink. And it never makes you fear your own voice.

You’re allowed to speak. You’re allowed to feel. And you’re allowed to ask for more than just not being yelled at.

10. You’re always the one apologizing — even when it’s not your fault.

You say sorry to keep the peace. To smooth things over. To avoid the eye roll, the silence, the argument, the shift in his mood.

You apologize before you’ve even processed what happened. You apologize just for bringing something up. You say sorry for how he feels, even when he’s the one who hurt you.

It becomes a habit, but more than that, it becomes a survival skill.

I’ve lived that. I said sorry constantly. For my tone. For my reaction. For making him uncomfortable. Even when I knew deep down… I hadn’t done anything wrong.

And then I realized: he never apologized to me.

He crossed lines. He said cruel things. He ignored my feelings. And he never said, “I’m sorry. That was wrong.” There was no reflection. No ownership. No change.

That’s not love. That’s imbalance. That’s control dressed up as normal.

In a healthy relationship, apologies go both ways. So does accountability. You shouldn’t be the only one working to fix things or carrying all the emotional weight.

If you’re always the one saying sorry, and he never is, it’s time to ask why.

Love doesn’t require you to abandon yourself to keep someone else comfortable. It’s okay to expect ownership. It’s okay to expect repair. It’s okay to stop apologizing for existing.

One Last Thing

I know this was a lot. And if you’re still reading, still holding on, still wondering if what you’ve lived through “counts” —  I want you to know something:

You’re not crazy. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not making things up in your head.
You’re not the only one who missed the signs. I missed them too.

The truth is, most people don’t talk about these red flags, not like this.
They get brushed off. Explained away. Laughed about. Hidden.

But that doesn’t make them any less real. And it doesn’t make your experience any less valid.

What happened, or what’s happening, matters. What happened, or what’s happening, including the red flags in teen relationships that no one talks about, matters.
How you feel matters.
And wanting more for yourself is not selfish. It’s survival.

If you’re ready to go deeper, to reflect on what these red flags in teen relationships might mean for you or someone you love, I created a printable guide that goes with this post.
No pressure. No timeline. Just something you can hold onto when you need a reminder that you deserve better.

This is the beginning of seeing clearly.
This is the moment you start trusting yourself again.
You’re not alone.

— Tiffany Colburn
Abuse recovery coach and educator helping teens, survivors, and the people who love them recognize the red flags no one talks about.

Resources & Support

If you’re starting to recognize red flags in teen relationships and want someone to talk to, here are a few trusted places to turn for support:

• Love Is Respect — A resource for teens and young adults to learn about healthy relationships and get support through chat, text, or phone.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline — 24/7 support for anyone in an abusive or controlling relationship.
• RAINN — Support and education around sexual assault and consent, including a national helpline and resources.